Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Wisdom’ Category

A Love Letter

To the one I love, and anyone who has ever loved another,

Why is it that we always love what we cannot have?

So simple it would be to love the one that is close to us, the one that knows us, the one that cares for us…but for me this is not the case.

I am in love, for the first time in my life, I am in love, and yet, I cannot speak of it, cannot express, cannot tell the one I love that I love them.

Now it seems sickeningly cliche to call such a love forbidden, and yet in my case, the phrase is all too true. Why do we not love what is easy? Why do we wait, and pray, and hope, and dream of just such a love, only for it to find us and be out of our reach?

My heart breaks silently. I press forward with friends, school, life, work, God, but only in a state of half-being. I am not really there, even the simplest of things makes me want to cry, God is my only ear, my only refuge. The only father I have to run to, and now more than ever, I feel the warmth of his embrace, and yet it is him that I fear to disappoint most. If love is true and Yaweh is Love, then it would be a contradiction for him to be against it, but I know better. He gave me intelligence, and knowledge, and understanding, I know better than to superimpose such basic human ideas onto him, yet, I still have doubt. Is it steadfast law? Is it a matter of interpretation? Or is it simple society?

I don’t know. I will never know. It plagues me. But a bigger part of me takes over: I don’t care about such trivial items. When I seek God, this is the response I seem to get, that such thinking is trivial. To love and be one with Christ, a child of God, is like to be water to an ocean. Inseparable and when separated, catastrophic. Then why does my heart ache?

It is the one I love. Not easy was the discovery. Like love happens so frequently, it came without warning, without cause and with who and when I least expected it. My love is calloused and crass, crude and loud, blatant and outrageous, but it all is just a mask. The truth is, I have seen glimmers of the real person, and it is kind, and gentle, and loving, and hurting. The eyes gave them away. They were so gentle, so soft and yet I could barely stand to look at them. Even when the voice scolded or heckled me in jest, the eyes radiated something from deep within. My brain tells me such interpretation is the construct of my own mind, but my heart says that the teasing and joking and playful disagreements were the only way of expressing the love back, the truth clouded by fear and convention.

I understand. I am the same. I clean, I cook, I spend, I text and I pray to express my love for you. All more pleasant, but all the same in the end. No truth, no honesty, just fear.

I, however, know one thing that is for certain, and that is God does not desire for any of his creations to live in fear. So live in fear I will not.

I will say what I need to say, I will express what I must express and I will do what I feel should be done, for I cannot live, I can’t breathe unless you do this with me.

I love you, with all my heart, I love you.

I go to bed thinking about you, I wake up hoping you will be there next to me, the dream of my loneliness having only been a simple phantom unto the night. Yet, you are not there and all the day you linger in the back of my mind, haunting my heart, stealing away my peace, not because you mean to, but simply because you are not here. You can’t be though, my mind tells me so, but I would love for my heart to get the message, for every time you leave, I feel my heart pound and my soul longs for you to be near. Not embracing, not touching, not even talking, just near to one another. That is how I know I love you. Truly, deeply, love you. For lovers love with sex, adulterers love with secrets, whores piddle love away and the irrational love at the drop of a hat, but I want none of these things. I don’t want you to change. I will never try to force you to be something you’re not. All I want is for you to be near me, to stand beside me, to walk with me, to sleep where I can hear you breathe (like in the Aerosmtih, romantic-world-coming-to-an-end, sort of way. Not the creepy, I’m-gonna-kill-ya, sort of way.)

I just want you, all of you, forever and ever.

I love you.

-Andrew

This is a bit different from the normally humor-ridden articles I write, not to mention sounding like something from an emo-chick’s diary (**shudders at the thought**), but this is something I needed to write for a long time. I am sharing it with the world in hopes that all those who love, have loved or will love read it and know that they are not alone. I bare my soul in it, something I rarely do to anyone, anywhere, for any reason. Yet, good writing needs it, nay, it demands it. So I hope you are encouraged and that you will seek your own answers, for if you are truly, TRULY, seeking the truth, the answer will always find you.

-AAV

P.s. No, I am not going to jump off a bridge or dive into a pit of sharpened q-tips. I’m good… struggling, but then who the hell isn’t? Life is good. The way I see it, I am blessed to have this problem. At least I love. There are countless people who go through countless relationships, marriage(s) and friendships in their lives and never once do they love or are loved in return. My pain is a downright blessing, and I am grateful for it.

Leave a comment- I am listening. (Really I am paranoid that no one reads these, the stats don’t look so hot, so post something… just not your naked body…GAG…)

Advertisements

Read Full Post »