Posts Tagged ‘the Rogue Imagineer’

TARANTELLA continues with the conclusion of Chapter II: Headlines!

Join Jules today as he begins to unravel the truth of the disappearances and illness that is plaguing London…

TARANTELLA: Chapter II: Headlines Continued


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First broke by Lance at Screamscape… Disney Parks, as part of their ultra-top secret “Nex-Gen” initiative (a plan from Walt Disney Imagineering to completely reinvent the theme park experience), has been testing a talking Mickey Mouse walking character.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a real, live, TALKING Mickey Mouse is now wandering around Disneyland.

According to reports from within Disney Parks itself, the character is capable of interacting directly with guests, right down to saying their name and using completely improvised, unique material with each guest (think Turtle Talk with Crush only with a standing, breathing Mickey). The technology, if deemed succesful and ultimately accepted by the populous, could eventually be adapted in all of the suited characters in Disney Parks worldwide.

At first glance the effect is a bit unnerving, but I attribute this to the conditioning of the masses (like myself) who are used to the static characters already present in theme parks around the world. Once you experience it for a bit, the effect becomes natural and in all seriousness, completely changes the interaction for the better. To say it anthropomorphizes Mickey would be an understatement, it takes the much loved character/symbol to a new level of awesomeness unseen anywhere until Disney premiered the technology.

If this is the first step in the cloak & dagger-esque “Nex-Gen” initiative, then fans and Imagineers the world over should be very, VERY excited and Disney’s competitors very, VERY scared.

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© Andrew A. Vest

An Excerpt from the Memoirs of Sir Winston Earl Grey IV

Good day my little Lemurs! As of writing this I am trolling down the enchanting streams of exotic Cambodia! I am simply dizzy with anticipation! Today, we are discussing the harrowing danger of SMEF’ing! Brace yourselves!

So, my cheeky wee monkeys! Exactly why is a raven like a writing desk? Well, let me tell you something: it isn’t! Whatever the utterly fabulous Lewis Carroll was smoking when he came up with this little nugget of tommyrot was definitely illegal. A raven is a bird! It flies through the skies! It poohs menacingly on unexpecting victims! Whereas a desk is…well…a desk. A bit of wood propped up on legs. That’s about it.

The two have absolutely nothing in common in the slightest! Save for one simple thing: their lot in life, and believe me, it’s wretched. So wretched, in fact, is the life of the raven and the writing desk that both are permanent members of the SMEF list.

“But Winston! What is the SMEF list?”

Allow me to illuminate you. SMEF is a naughty acronym derived from the brilliant mind of philosopher and all around ninnypants Douglas Adams of the 20th century. It stands for Sudden Massive Existence Failure. Simply put, a bit of matter (you, your dog, a paperclip, lint, the Republic of China, etc.) becomes so utterly distraught with its own existence that is simply decides to stop being.

Office supplies have a horrific tendency to SMEF, due to their likelihood of being lost forever behind desks, stuffed between seat cushions, made into cute desk ornaments or slobbered on by children. I recall the tale of King Bic, ruler of Stapledom. He was accidentally dethroned by a disgruntled insurance salesman having a steamy affair amongst his quarterly progress reports. Tragically, in the throes of angry sin, the insurance salesman thrashed his arm across his desk, casting King Bic into the bottomless abyss of Waste Basket, wherein he became so distraught with the hand he was dealt that he said to himself:

“I don’t think I want to exist anymore…” And POOF! He was gone.

Consequently, the absolute most incredible SMEF was performed by the entire city of Atlantis in 9600 BC. Luckily, a hotel has taken its place.

Ravens have no purpose in life and writing desks are rudely written on by writhing workers working while writing (say that twice and try not to cuss!). Both are such sensitive beings of existence that simply looking at either in a less-than-pleasant manner will cause them to implode unto themselves without a thought otherwise.

If you find yourself in the position of either the raven or the writing desk and feel as though you might not want to exist anymore, then simply think back on your life and consider that it could be a lot worse…you could have been a paperclip.


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